The Queen of Misrule

The streets were empty, the city trashed

The gate unguarded, the lanterns smashed

"Hello?" I called and listened closely

But not a soul did dare approach me

With a nervous laugh, I invited myself inside

Greeted with only squinted eyes

Peering from behind shuttered homes they hide

Had a war happened? How many had died?

Never have I known a people so demurred

What horrors have they endured?

There was no fanfare to blast my arrival

No cheering crowd to behold my survival

Nine long years it had been

Since I left my people and the title of Queen

Returning home, I'm the hero of a thousand stories

They sing songs about me in the western territories

It had started with a cryptic curse I had to cure

But en route I heard tell of a monstrous boar

So I hunted and fought it to save a town

With pride, I headed homewards to reclaim my crown

It's fair to say I kept getting a little distracted

The highroad was crimeridden, it was time someone acted!

Several months later I found the criminal kingpin

With swords we spoke and justice sliced through his sin

The bounty was nice but I gambled it away

"Home I should head," I told myself every day

But my services were always needed!

And my personal funds constantly depleted

So I picked up two more quests for the road

I battled some dudes and delivered a suspicious payload

Some foes became friends and became part of my crew

We sang and we laughed and my little gang grew

It was a great time, oh the stories I could tell

But in the interest of time, ready for the bombshell?

My friends and I saved the entire Earth

There was this evil wizard, Monty Beckworth

He was like "Ha I'm going to do this forbidden bloodrite"

And we were like "no man don't do that that that ain't right"

As the church bells struck midnight a massive battle ensued

Beckworth's pet dragon almost had me barbequed

Hidden in a cellar, we hatched a quick scheme

And against my better judgement, we split the team

Myself with Group One  had a dragon to slay

Severing Monty's only chance to get away

Up the spire did Group Two bravely climb

To end Beckworth's plans for the final time

I jumped from the keep onto the dragon's back

Wailing and flailing I seized my chance to attack

A spear through the neck, a dagger in the eye

Bloodied in victory I held my hands to the sky!

But that's enough about me and my adventures west

While I was away, what in God's name had transgressed?

My kingdom swallowed by silence

My people weary of violence

My castle has been vandalized

Defaced family portraits my father had prized...

What had happened to the sister I had left behind to rule?

I prepared for the worse, I knew that the Gods could be cruel

Not every hero can survive every fight

In peace every family cannot reunite

I remember the day I left, and the banquette we had thrown

I remember the oath my sister gave as she ascended the throne

When I rode from the city the party was still going strong

In fear, I quavered "Oh God, what had gone wrong?"

I gulped and pushed open the throne room door

Prepared for a scene of nightmarish gore

The room was in ruins, but nobody was to be seen

Except sat up upon high on her throne; the Queen

I yelled her name and ran across the hall

Something was not right, she was barely moving at all

Her crown was crooked upon her head

Skin sickly green she looked almost dead

A driblet of drool dripped down her chin

Waggling her goblet, she gave me a grin

I was suddenly smashed by the scent of week-old ale

And bit by bit I dragged out every detail

Ever since I had left, nine years ago

Every day of the week a party my sister would throw

For as long as there was any booze remaining

She'd throw a grand party, she loved entertaining

Beloved by the people they danced every night away

Hoping that I wouldn't be mad when I returned one day

My kingdom was not warstruck—  they were hungover

But now that I'm home the party is royally over!

I casted down the Queen of Misrule

Wiped the crown clean from my sister's drool

With a stern look, a sigh and a shaken head

I summoned the guards and put the miscreant to bed

Looks like I have a lot of work to do

So it's back to business as usual, no further ado

But, well, it's been so long since I was home

Many years I was away from sitting this throne

I was weary from travel, the road had been long

I fancied some drinks, some dancing, a song

So I gathered the court and made a royal decree

"We'll throw a huge party, but this one's for me!"